THE TOP 10 DUMB ASSES

The world is full of stupid people and morons, but that just gives the smarter people, someone to prey on. Some people have proven themselves to be a cut above the rest... probably because they thought they were digging to China. Here are the top ten dumb asses of the past decade, with all their gaffes and logic failures highlighted for your twisted pleasure. Don't forget about the TOP 10 BEST & WORST RESTAURANTS IN RALEIGH.

10: Someone you know. The first dumb ass on this list is one of your neighbors, coworkers, siblings, friends, or even maybe just an acquaintance. We all know one dumb ass who deserves to make this top 10 list.

9: Jessica Simpson

Chicken or fish? Buffalo wings... or real buffalo?!

Jessica Simpson was never mistaken for a genius, but it wasn't until her 2003 reality show that we realized just many tumbleweeds were floating between her ears. Between giggling at her own farts, taking her Louis Vuitton bag on camping trips, and loving the scent of unscented products, Jessica made mocking her a national pastime. It was almost too easy. This was a woman who cracked her own blonde jokes... without any self-awareness at all. "Is this chicken I have, or is it fish? I know it's tuna, but it says chicken... by the sea... is that stupid?" It's like you can feel your brain bleeding out of your eyes.



8: Tiger Woods

Tiger Woods is a name that no longer makes you think of GOLF. The media circus of 2009, Tiger Woods made headlines after admitting to an affair by cheating on his wife... Swedish model Elin Nordegren.

First, how idiotic do you have to be to cheat on a *model*? What makes you wake up in the morning and say "you know, I don't think a gorgeous foreign model is *good enough*?" Second, who has affairs with over a dozen women and leaves behind evidence? Third, who admits to said affairs during a press conference *with his mother*?

A tip for all the adulterers in the audience: don't wait until your wife has chased you down with a golf club and made you wreck your car. Just admit your infidelity upfront. Maybe you'll save yourselves a $40 million mansion and that excruciating parade of young, tanned, blonde moneygrubbers who want to sell your sex tapes in public.


7: Rod Blagojevich

A government official abusing their power isn't funny.

A government official abusing their power, getting caught, facing sixteen felony charges, and having their personal belongings auctioned off to a children's hospital to pay for court costs? That's so dumb it's hilarious.

Rod Blagojevich was a Democratic governor before he was nailed to the wall for everything from racketeering to wire fraud. He was imprisoned, impeached and widely mocked in the media for his "corruption crime spree." If it was illegal and unethical, Rod dove right in like a pool full of dollars with a diamond at the bottom.

Of course, if you ask him, he's the innocent victim of unjust charges. When confronted with his crimes, he told the media he'd fight the allegations "every step of the way."

Make sure you buy new shoes, Rod, because yours probably went to some hospital orphans.

6: Lindsay Lohan

Five drunken court appearances, four major paparazzi incidents, three DUIs, two stints in rehab, and a partridge in a faux lesbian relationship with a Hollywood DJ.

Just because Christmas is over doesn't mean we can't celebrate!

Lindsay can't seem to get her life on track, which is sad and not at all a reason to mock her. Really. It's just a bit baffling when you wrack up *multiple misdemeanors* and *still* miss your court dates for failing to meet the terms of your probation for your failed drug tests.

That's not just stupid, it's so head-scratching and brainless that it's *tragic*.

5: Kanye West

When it comes to the shocking, over the top, and aggressively moronic, Kanye takes the cake. No really, he takes it - he doesn't wait for it to be given to him, he just hops on stage and steals it from someone else.

Kanye West has always been a somewhat controversial figure, but between interrupting people's speeches, replacing his teeth with diamonds, and painting his $4 million apartment with depictions of himself as an angel, you can't help but wonder if he's such a dumb ass that he's actually brilliant.

Think about it: every time he does something stupid and scandalous, the media laps it up, giving him all the attention he wants. Dumb... or just really good at self-marketing?

Of course, if Kanye knew he was only #5 on our list, he'd probably crucify himself on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine with a crown of bloody thorns... oh wait, he already did that.

4: Jon and Kate Gosselin

A two-for-one deal, because the idiocy of one only exacerbates the stupidity of the other.

Jon and Kate Gosselin began their careers by exploiting their children for cash. Wait... we mean letting them star in a reality TV show. "Jon and Kate Plus 8" was a major hit, drawing millions of viewers with heartwaming tales of sibling rivalry, potty accidents, and supermarket meltdowns.

Then things got strange. Jon was accused of having an affair with 22 year old Hailey Glassman, the daughter of Kate's plastic surgeon. His apartment was found vandalized with a signed note from Hailey and a knife sticking out of it. Kate went on Dancing on with Stars and somehow, bizarrely, Sarah Palin's reality show.

The couple is now divorced and the kids are growing up, lashing out, and getting suspended from school. Awww, America.

3: Bob Allen

In 2007, Bob Allen was arrested for soliciting a prostitute in a public bathroom. Well, shit happens, right? Men have needs. Some men have needs that can only be met next to crumpled paper towels and the lingering smell of body odor and despair. But whatever gets him off, right? Did we mention the prostitute was a man? And an undercover cop? And Bob Allen was a Republican legislator at the time?

After an illustrious career of drafting anti-sex offender bills and denying gays the right to adopt, Bob was caught with his pants down - literally - when he revealed himself to be a strange, horny hypocrite. Bob Allen offered the cop $20 for oral sex - to give, not to receive a blowjob. This man was a righteous conservative with a 90% approval rating from the Christian Coalition, yet he was totally down with sucking off male prostitutes in public bathrooms.

After his arrest, he defended himself by claiming he feared for his life. The cop was a "stocky black guy" and Bob "was about to be a statistic." His *safety* was at risk! Gay blowjobs were the only way out! The future of our country, folks.

2: Richard Heene

Richard Heene is what happens when you mix a mad scientist with a fame whore. Years before he captivated the world with the Balloon Boy incident, he was a failed actor/storm chaser/reality TV wannabe. He used to pitch show ideas at cable networks while running a homemade production company from his living room. His family willingly went on Wife Swap... twice. Put him in front of a camera and he'd talk about humanity's alien ancestors and the need for launching home-made UFOs into tornadoes.

Somehow, when he went to police and told them his six year old son had floated away in a helium balloon, they believed him.

Colorado emergency responders spent over $2 million scouring the countryside and shutting down airports. The media went nuts for "Balloon Boy." Everyone wanted the little guy to come home safely. He was never in the balloon at all.

At first his parents claimed he was "hiding." You know, during the five hour state-wide search. Then the boy inadvertently spilled the beans when the family was being interviewed on Larry King. When asked why he was hiding, he turned to his parents and said "you said we did it for the show."

Richard Heene was arrested, jailed, and fined $36,000 for the hoax. Good show, man.

1: George Bush - As if you didn't already know.

Now, we're not trying to make a political statement here. It's just a fact. If you're looking for a dumb ass, George Bush won't be winning any IQ tests any time soon.

The former leader of the free world, Bush stumbled his way through presidency with a cocktail of squints, scowls and non sequiturs. Who doesn't remember "you forgot Poland" or "those weapons of mass destruction have to be somewhere"? George Bush treated an overseas war like a game of whack-a-mole. His random grammar and total befuddlement for the world at large won George Bush the highest ever disapproval rating for a seated President.

No matter how your politics leaned, he was unforgettable - unrelenting - part of the American landscape. Love him or hate him, just don't misunderestimate him.